For me, the days are now separated by color. After the death of my parents, they all had a gray tint. That day was pitch black. As I recall, nausea still rises to the throat, there is a feeling of dirt on the body and I want to immediately wash everything off myself. Because my own body disgusts me. I would never have thought that I would despise myself so much…
What happened? My birthday. I did all the housework, went to the cemetery, and then returned home to my aunt and uncle. There was only Adil, my cousin. He is four years older than me. Everyone’s favorite!
“It’s your birthday today, isn’t it? Congratulations! I have something for you.” He smiled and pulled out a small box from his pocket, which contained a pendant in the shape of a little angel on a thin chain. Nice. Carefully taking the jewelry and finding a tiny clasp, I tried to put it on, but I could not fasten it. Adil came up behind and, taking the ends of the chain in his hands, deftly managed the lock.
“You are beautiful,” he said. But he said it in a strange way. And when I wanted to go to the mirror, I said at all: “Why do you need a mirror? Look into my eyes. The reflection is easy to see.” I was at a loss. It was the first time he had behaved so openly. And he squeezed my hand.
Adil began to say that I should thank him for such a gift, that he was the only one who even remembered my birthday, and that I should kiss him for it.
I just went numb. And he pulled me to him.
“What are you doing?” I screamed.
“I want a decent thank you!”
I tried to break free, but he was three times bigger than me – and my blows to the chest and shoulders were nothing to him. I bit. Fought. And he… Pressing me against the wall, he pounced on me and again began to kiss, touch me. I began to kick, kicking with my feet. But this only aroused in him even more desire. Holding my wrists with one hand, he tried to pull off my blouse with the other, I tried to prevent him, for which I received a slap in the face. The jacket did not unbutton in any way, and then he simply tore it.
“I will strangle you if you make even a sound. Strangle and bury in the backyard! You are as crazy as your mother, so no one will look for you. Everyone will think you ran away.”
He tore my panties off and started moving up and down…
What could I?
“I’ll tell my uncle everything,” I threatened him.
“And what will he do? Doesn’t even scold. Don’t forget, I’m his son, and you’re nobody. Tell them and they will throw you out of the house,” he said. And he was right. I am nobody…
I didn’t know how I could look my family in the eyes after what had happened. It was so embarrassing… I quickly went downstairs, the door was locked, so I got out of the house through the window. I was walking down the street and it seemed that everyone walking by knew what I had just experienced and was laughing at me.
Where did I go? To the grave of parents. I asked them to take me with them.
I do not know when and how I got home, but I spent the next few days in bed, I had a fever, I was in a fever. I came to my senses three days later. When I opened my eyes, I didn’t immediately remember what had happened. Memory was refreshed by Adil, who entered the room. At the sight of his face, I immediately began to vomit right on the floor.
“Mum! Mum! Come here, quickly! Look what she’s done! Phew, what a mess.”
Each subsequent day burned me slowly and painfully. During the day I loaded myself with all sorts of worries, I took over all the housework, all the household. At night she could not sleep.
And recently I almost died. Lying in the operating room, I half-asleep watched as the tiny result of my brother’s “prank” was extracted from me. How I hated myself, having learned that, washing myself off from the touch of this freak, I carried a part of him in myself!
I could not answer my uncle’s questions about how I got pregnant and with whose help I dishonored him. Why was silent? I thought the truth would cause even more contempt for me. I was afraid. I cannot explain this fear.
Was I afraid that the only thing that made sense in life would be taken away from me: the opportunity to visit my mom and dad every day? Or was she afraid that I would bring grief to the family that sheltered me? Do not know. I knew only one thing for sure: I would be the one to blame anyway. Yes, there! Even in my own eyes, I am guilty that I accepted the gift, that I was left alone with Adil, that I did not resist enough, that I allowed all this.
I continued to drag out my miserable existence. I was nobody, and I will remain nobody.
