For me, 16 years old, Anwar was downright a symbol of nobility. At 26, he seemed infinitely wise and dependable. I also confess: often, coming home from school, I imagined that we lived together as husband and wife. Just like this: I made tea for us, sat down, talked with him, tired from work, asked about his affairs, told about my own, wondered what he would like for dinner … I remember he burst out laughing when I once told him about such his game.
In short, I loved him. But she didn’t show it! I grew up in a very strict family, so it was even with great difficulty that I was allowed to finish school. God forbid, such conversations – they will lock me up at home and never let me out again.
We met in secret. More precisely, it could not be called meetings. I was walking in the park, and he was walking behind, and we were talking on the phone … That’s when … I, as usual, walked from school and chatted with him. Suddenly he touched my hand. I was terribly frightened, literally jumped back and blushed, because he had never stood so close.
I told him: “We can be seen. And he: “Let them see! Tired already, like a dog, trailing behind you. I want to walk beside you, hold your hand.” And then another: “Fatima, something needs to be decided. I already want to quickly drink tea with you in the kitchen and talk about how my day went. Today I will tell my mother about you. About finding her a daughter-in-law. Those words made my head spin.
Then he called me to his place – to get acquainted with his mother. It was strange: does it happen that the girl herself goes to meet the groom’s parents? But how could I refuse him? Besides, the idea seemed very harmless to me …
Arriving home, I tried to hide my excitement, but a stupid smile did not let me do it. My cheeks were so red that my mother at first thought I was ill.
I took a shower, styled my hair, and chose an outfit for about an hour. Mom’s light white dress caught my eye. She had not worn it for a long time, but she loved it very much, it reminded her of meeting her dad. There were such laces … In short, ideal for such an occasion.
Having risen to the 8th floor, where Anvar lived, I stood at his door for a long time. I was so worried that my mouth was dry. And even decided to go back. But then the door opened. There was a set table in the middle of a large room. But it was not covered at all in the way it is usually customary under such circumstances, and even for two people.
“Where is your mother?” I asked. “And I’m not enough for you?” He pulled me towards him and tried to kiss me. I dodged and the next moment I was at the door. Without wasting time on shoes, I was ready to run home barefoot from this reptile. Tried to open it but couldn’t.
Hearing his laughter behind me, I realized that he had locked the door.
“Anwar, I beg you, I beg you, stop it! I’ll scream now!”
“Scream! Let all the neighbors know what we’re doing here. Surely, good people saw that you yourself came. So she wanted everything.”
You know … I saw how a person who was dear to me instantly turned into a monster. Such a vile one. Lustful. And the worst thing is that I couldn’t do anything about it.
He roughly pushed me onto the bed and fell on top of me. He puffed disgustingly, dropping drool on my neck. Only now I noticed that he was not sober. But there was no smell of alcohol. Realizing that it was useless to talk to him, I began to beat him with all my might, waving my arms and legs. I broke his lip. Then he roared, dragged me to the floor, pulled off his pants and settled on top. And suddenly – went into another room. For cognac.
“Drink. It will be easier for you,” he said, holding out the bottle. And he began to pour liquid into my mouth …
After a while, I realized that I was lying on a soft bed, and Anwar was rubbing against me. So I fell asleep a few more times, opening and closing my eyes. Suddenly he grabbed my hair and, leaning forward, entered me. I screamed in pain. It was then that I finally realized: this is it, the end. I have been destroyed. Just taken and erased from life. Many years have passed, and this feeling has not left me for a second.
What happened next? I switched off. I woke up with severe pain in my lower abdomen. Everything ached. There was blood on the legs and on the bed.
Anvar, having said nasty things, let me out. So I left, barefoot. I don’t remember how I got home. But I well remember the cold shower, under which I just stood for about an hour. I remember how I hid my mother’s dress and fell asleep on the floor in the hallway.
My mother’s whisper woke me up. I was so ashamed to look at her … I deprived our family of honor, dignity. I have dishonored our entire family. For what? Why do they have such a daughter?
There was a moment when I wanted to tell dad about everything, complain about this freak and know that dad would definitely punish him. But when I saw his eyes, I decided that this was only my pain. Yes, and … If anyone finds out about what happened, the shame will fall not only on me, but on the whole family, and I knew how my father values \u200b\u200bhis honor … Now that my father is no more, I am afraid to meet him even in a dream: I still I don’t have the courage to look into his eyes.
I then lost all interest in life. She stopped going to school, shamelessly burying her dreams of becoming a doctor.
Here’s what else I remember. One morning, my mother was spinning at the mirror, putting dresses on herself.
“Are you going?” I ask.
“I told you, Aunt Zuli’s son is getting married. How is it? Anwar, it seems.
It seems at this moment, I forgot how to breathe.
Hearing the noise and signals of cars in the yard, I hastily went down to the yard. I wanted to see him, look into his eyes. How? How will he bring to the house where he took my life, the one with whom he spends every day? How will his children run across the floor he watered me on to rape me?
I despise, hate myself for these thoughts, but somewhere in the darkest corner of my soul, I dreamed that he would realize what a mistake he had made, and asked for forgiveness, and said that he really wanted me to become his wife. But everything completely died in me when I saw with what happy eyes he looked at the beauty in the snow-white dress.
I don’t even know how I didn’t actually die then.
